Kampai - 2015

 

Never having pre-loaded toasts ready to go except for, "Here's to swimmin' with bow-legged wimmen,"  I made a few of my own. Enjoy.

 

Raise your glass for this kampai

The bottle empties until it's dry

A grape or grain, barley or rye;

A taste of time as life goes by.

A kampai to outkampai all the rest 

The trace of sweetness in your breath;

Close your eyes and wonder when

And the best kampai will begin and end.

 

- by Cagey

Fark-worthy headline submission slips through again

How could this story not make the cut?!  A teacher who dipped crayons in hot snauce to prevent an obstinate autistic from eating them successfully launched a counterclaim to get her job back (it's still in litigation).  Cruel or unusual?  Come on!

Only 5% of all headlines submitted to Fark gain approval to be main-paged, it's kind of a geek rush to see them appear in 'print'.

Pizza ethics

  At issue is poor customer service in a pizza restaurant.  I was weaned from pizza; I have always enjoyed it, even through the great sledgehammer incident of the early 1980s when I saw my precious smashed before my very eyes.  I rank my restaurants; I'm active in rating them online, and I duly realize the predilection of folks to opine on the negatives more frequently than dishing out a, "Hey, good job."  I am neither too quick to become defensive nor overcritical, realizing some battles aren't worth the effort.

  On New Year's Day a pal and I feasted on sumptuous hangover pizza. Mine had prosciutto (yes, prosciutto), peppers, and gouda cheese reminiscent of the great Provel of St. Louis. Leftovers packed, we left. The waitress was friendly enough, but when we got home, they had packed us the wrong pizza (the overpowering Greek one with entire cloves of roasted garlic and mounds of feta aboard - yick).

  I have a slightly different opinion on this than she in that as a hybrid Christian-Buddhist, I feel we should be humble and excuse the oversight; she believes we should have made a stink about it. Other peoples' germs, etc. etc.  The compelling argument of hers was that, "It should be a core competency of servicepeople to not screw that up, it is not too much to ask."  Something clicked inside me that set my pizza-rage aflame:  I was reminded of the expectant hamburger gourmand Wimpy, set to feast on a delicious burger of lettuce, onion, pickle, kumquat, and not getting his prized slider that fateful day, he entered "Hamburger Heaven." Due to his habitual nonpayment ("I shall gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today!"), he was ultimately denied by the irascible burger chef and fell apopleptic.  I was in Pizza Heaven.

  Demanding satisfaction in this instance was not my style, but I at least wanted to call this to the attention of management because it *was* disappointing and I want to test the Buddhist way.  I have about 30% confidence that we will be treated to a replacement.

 
The moral of this story:  Pie-p up when you don't get your hot-za, or forever hold your piece.

Flotsam and jetsam

Hey now! I need to write early when I'm milling about waking up, or late at night when, unfortunately, I have the most energy.

LT Poopers just finished cleaning my morning yogurt cup and I'm checking my news feed.

So in the news... not sure what all the hullaballoo is about Steve Jobs' passing. (R.I.P., by the way.) Was he like Bill Gates, who defied convention and succeeded wildly after he eschewed "traditional" education? (Which today, doesn't hold a candle to a classical college education). A nobleman? A visionary? Anything more than a grand corporateer? Why have 14 people on my Facebook made some kind of comment? The first few probably were those that wanted to "scoop" everyone. The next wave, just looking for an excuse to use the bullhorn. A few geeks were legitimately disturbed.

UPDATE:  O.k., Steve Jobs was cool.   (LINK)  He hung out with the Hare Krishnas across town, walking 7 miles for his meal.  He did leave college, but only because it was overpriced (bonus points), and only took a $1 yearly salary since 1997 (major cool). 

~~
Speaking of corporateers, in my section of Mudville, we have several cookie-cutter "big box" style pet stores already, and across the street some new pet superstore is going up. Why?  Monstrous concrete plazas teem with Harris Teeter and Walgreen's.  How many huge pet stores and drug stores do we need in the same 5 mi. radius? This is why people call southeastern Virginia "Strip Mall Hell."

For the sake of revenue, the city council in tandem with the real estate owners have deemed it necessary to choke the life out of a small Shell gas station that had been run by the same family for 41 years - and replace it with another Walgreen's. Their rationale was about the corniest thing I've ever heard:  that this promotes the "live/work/play environment" we strive for.  G*d, what, is this The Sims? Enough is enough - so ugly, so tacky. We're lucky we haven't named it "towne centre" yet, which inevitably follows in the cycle of snobbishness. 

Keep the little guys in play - do your part to support them.  As to the pet store sitrep - I have at least FOUR massive pet stores within five miles of me. To be fair, the new one is a privately owned local franchise, so I will support it.  We sag, we lag, our industry and production is nearly completely foreign-based, efficiency ordered, convenience centered.  So as an appropriately placed reminder of what's lurking up-river:

"China has enjoyed a long time running a massive trade surplus against the united states and other countries and as the country has grown fat with our money and we have grown fat on their cheap goods the American people are hurting for jobs and low wages and it is time for the free ride to be over." ~roguepatriot 

No big box post would be complete witthout letting it be known that we welcome our new Big Box overlords! Down with creativity and self-enterprise! Up with live-work-play "towne centre" concrete oasis with Walgreen's at the heart! 

We have it good. But we also have it bad. We are living the lives of leisure and comfort that our parents and their parents and so on wished for us. No full comment from here yet on all these micro-protests being staged ("Occupy Wall Street") but they're getting a lot of negative publicity.  Lots of self-contradiction (capitalism vs. mandates for freebies), lots of confusion, lots of shilling for propagandists like George Soros.
~~
So here's some bachelorrific stuff to end on: Last night approx. 11:00 P.M., I went to work on repairing the sh!tter, which is leaking at a slow rate, leaving a high water mark on the sides. I did this while listening to Wes Craven's Swamp Thing, then I marveled at the synchonicity of these two events.

I fixed a heavy frying pan today which was warped at the center (dented outward) and did not distribute the heat evenly. I lamented at not having a hammer handy to do this.  So I put it on the countertop upside down, and smacked it with a palm heel.  Suddenly, this confirmed my status as a man.  Still can't cook fried chicken worth a **** though.

As I tossed out the empty package of roasted vegetables, which had been used to top my fried chicken sandwich, the container splattered leaving olive oil trickling down the wall.  LT Poopers needed a little bit of guidance, but she was able to mostly lick the wall clean, and that spared me from wetting down a sponge and doing it myself.  I'd like to thank my parents on up for affording me this privilege.

Public Service Announcement

To the people line-dancing at Hardee's: You are obstructing my path to the ketchup dispenser.

Frickin' YUM!

I kind of fancy myself like the lid lifter guy sometimes when my swagger overflows.




Tuscan nirvana, with futuristic slicing technique



My self-esteem must be recovering because I just made my first action figure of myself, and I am back to writing petulant request letters to corporate food headquarters.

~~~~~~~~~

Dear DiGiorno:
I am writing on 3 points today:

1) I respectfully request you NOT discontinue the new Tuscan Style Chicken pizza. You have reached the pinnacle of applied pizza science and it would be a tragedy that you discontinue it. Please quell the rumors circulating on the internet!
2) This is my second time writing in - this time I would like to requisition the regular stores in the 23464 zip code carrying this item - could you please confirm? I intend to stockpile all remaining Tuscan Style Chicken pizzas in local inventory. Thank you again for your outstanding product

3) I noticed on your website that you do have international positions. I am a professional consultant and strategic studies student, and I wish to apply for any of your executive-tier positions in Japan. Request any applicable guidance.

Thank you,

Cagey

~~~~~~~~~

Also, the guy on the Freezerburns blog dissing this product is a frickin' nimbnut (not really, but I disagree with his review).  He says, "So overall, I was disappointed, but I ate the whole thing. Don’t want to waste food, but I would never buy this again. If you like ranch dressing, you’ll love it. If not, don’t get it, you can’t scrape off the sauce."  Too bad every commenter below him went completely 180.  YOU'LL GET YOURS, BUDDY! 

Update:  Form letter response?!  Well, I never! (Read on only if you're really interested in knowing the epilogue.)
~~~~~~~~~
 Dear Mr. Cagey, [* Editor's note: EGAD!]
Thank you for contacting Nestlé® on the Internet. Questions and comments from our consumers are always welcome! We have read your email and researched your inquiry. For more information on career opportunities, please visit our website.
As you may know, we produce and market a variety of products. While we would like every store to offer each item we make, it is their decision as to which products they will carry. If you don't see the product on the store shelf, we also encourage you to ask the store manager for an "item not available" or "I want this item" request form and fill it out.According to our records, you may be able to purchase this product at one of the stores listed below;[redacted for security reasons]
To find stores in your area selling the meals which interest you, please use the Store Locator tool available on our Nestleusa.com website. You can access that directly by clicking Nestleusa.com. If the item is not available in our item locator, this would mean the information is not yet available.
Once again, thank you for your interest in our products and we hope you'll visit our website often for the latest information on Nestlé products and promotions.We appreciate your interest in our company.
Sincerely,
x
Consumer Response Representative
~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Ms. X, [Note: informal comma used as opposed to formal colon, in response to her informal comma]
It is I who should be thanking you for your rapid response! You must share my passion.
Conducted mission to Kroger in Kempsville with negative results. Worse for the wear yet undeterred, I will continue my search. Thanks for the tips.
On the job opportunities – that’s terrific. I was hoping maybe you had an “in” with the CEO or felt any groundswell for any hot Japan jobs coming down the pipe. (Are you in good with anyone?) I’m willing to do what it takes to land this one. My interests are loyalty to the company first, obviously, but also geographic in nature and I eventually hope to homestead there – in a place that’s safe for my (future) family. Hoping to brand myself as an area subject matter expert by gaining experience in the hot zone.
Please convey my compliments to your staff. I hope by expressing interest in the Tuscan Style Chicken pizza, I can help ensure it will be around for years to come.
All the best,
Cagey

A song by King Missile, modified by the power of Fark

I thought this lyrical poem was just terrific!  Kind of evokes Shel Silverstein, no?

So then I got this idea
about driving a little debbie truck,
'Cause I figured at the end of the day,
I could take some of
the leftover snackcakes home
And I love snackcake.
So I went to the little debbie company
And they asked me
if I could drive a truck
And I said "yes"
And they said "You're hired!"

So the next day
I got in the truck with all
the snackcakes
And I drove about a block
and I just had to have a snackcake
So I pulled over and opened the truck
And I got a snackcake
And I also took another one for later
And I took one to bring home
And I took one for my friend Farm boy,
And by that time I had
Eaten one of the snackcakes
so I took another one.

Then I figured I might as well
stop at my house
To drop off all the snackcakes
So I take five cakes
to eat on the way
And i drive another block
and a half to my house.
Now it's lunchtime
so I eat ten snackcakes
And a snackcake for dessert.
I should point out by the way
That all of these snackcakes were very delicious.
Anyway I decided
that the only thing to do
Would be to eat all the rest
of the snackcakes
And hide the truck somewhere
And leave town.
And I miss everybody a lot
But I'm not really sorry,
'Cause they were
very delicious snackcakes.

Cooking with Cagey: "The Boarding Pass"

All your daily nutritional requirements in one beverage.

- Mug, coffee (South America/Africa)
- 1/2 Shot, Bailey's (Ireland)
- Shot, cognac (France)
- Vial, liquid ginseng (East Asia)
- multi-vitamin (North America)

Perfect hash browns: Science vs. art

Science wins.

"We usually cube the potatoes and add water enough to cover them for about 10 minutes in order to cook them in the pan. Then we add butter, salt, pepper, and either garlic or Emeril's steak seasoning and fry until crispy and brown."

I like Montreal, personally (the seasoning).

Is this [cubing] possible? I have my suspicions. The scene of the crime: soft, black cubed hash browns today. Four fat red flags -

Too little heat: Use medium high. I used medium for 20 min.
Too much flipping: Try only to flip once. I flipped continuously.
Chopping method: They say slice them; I say f.u. (feign understanding) I'm cubing.
Oil: Two Tbsp. I used less this time than before, but couldn't keep track.

P.S., "Crispify" isn't a word, normally I like wordplay, but my intuition tells me the word he wanted was "crisp" and he wasn't playing. Pet peeve. Speaking of 'taters: Commenters needn't commentate; commenting does just fine.

Reference: http://www.life123.com/food/sides/potatoes/hash-browns.shtml

---------
I'm in an analytical frame of mind today. I just got done giving Red Robin a piece of my mind on their new marketing strategy, (e.g. "Earn 100,000 points and receive a Red Robin polo shirt, or spend $100 and get $7 back on your next meal), no oomph left to serve that up for you. Their survey was weighted on four cool items + a gimmick (Free b-day burger, etc. PLUS some kind of bizarre point/visit based offer, the premise being they could get you in 12+ times a year, to spend $20+ dollars per visit). In sum: No. Sticker shock of counting big numbers + "It's the economy, stupid!"
---------

Cooking with Cagey, and: On the passing of Meteor Smokehouse

**UPDATE (6/17) - check end for details

   I'm looking up the recipe for Minnie Lee's green beans, but I already know I'm going to get sidetracked thinking about Key West, the end of the world, the black spot on the map with the big white question mark.

   I keep a good amount of simple cooking supplies on hand for a bachelor, I can whip up something on short notice if need-be. Cleaning out my pantry as well, old gets pushed off to the right, new goes in on the left, just like skivvies. Thank you, faithful training.  This way, everybody gets a fair rotation and nobody feels left out. (I like that word "pantry."  It evokes a trip to the cellar, sorting out stores, feeling comfortably stocked.) 

   Cooking up some country boy chowda this eve, an update on that one.  You can add a few dried chile peppers (the evil red ones used in Thai cooking) to spice it up a bit...  the rain is pouring down, the dog is hiding under the printer table; and chopping up the celery, I pulled out some raisins and peanut butter. 

Echo the dog

Likes ants on a log

Pot is simmering

While I blog

  

   AABA - anything beyond two lines when someone tries to teach rhyme scheme leaves me like, "WTH?!"  These poetry savants break their own rules in leaps and bounds.

... on deck:  an attempt at Minnie Lee's green beans.  This place just closed, and it's too bad, because it had a more authentic feel to it.  This is no problem for eclectic Key West though, where you can actually drive for a mile without seeing a McDonald's.  Yes, Minnie Lee's...  I found this spicy, snappy concoction at the Meteor Smokehouse on Southard St.  I used to spend time down there before setting out on a few assignments and often had a few days to beat the street on my own.  The Meteor Smokehouse was one of my favorite destinations (I had about 4 or more "obligatory Key West" visits, below) for the - smokiness, right next door to a another curiously named tavern, The Green Parrot.  At Meteor, I was happy alone getting the beans, and have never been able to come anywhere near cooking this.  I was going to send a real live handwritten snail correspondence note their way, but as of a few weeks ago, well, the internet says they're gone.  Damn shame.  Oh, the beans: part of my problem was using canned beans.  

"You so STUPIIIIIIIIID!"

   KEY WEST

   So excluding Meteor, here's the rest of the top 5 places to spend your nickel and dime while in Key West.

'Captain Tony's - the REAL location of the Ernest Hemingway pub (not Sloppy Joe's); and the namesake of one of the greatest personalities of the Keys.  I've mentioned him elsewhere here, the night of his birthday when he stepped out of the limo with the two hot cougars on his arm.

 

'Willie T's: The Bar - Soul of all People" - My favorite bar in the entire world, beating out anything from Barcelona to Yokohama.  Nights, I used to play the hell out of Journey in their jukebox and walk to the nearby pay phone after getting heavily soused, which I thought was a rather cosmopolitan thing to do.  Wind jostling the palms, me fumbling around for a phone card.  Would make a great short film. 

"Chicharrones" - the closest place to Cuba to get a Cuban sandwich - I love how like Andre said, they mash them down and grill them - you can replicate this with a George Foreman grill to some extent.  Mustard, jamon, pickles, what else?

"Café Solé"  - "A meal in Provence."  Its outdoor terrace, trellises and French cooking makes it something resembling what would be the officers' club of Key West.  They have the finest dishes, maybe plan on spending $25/pp.?  Not trying to be snooty, but it's just neatly tucked away (thereby easy to miss unless you're looking for it), and... chawming!

   Which brings us to the main event:

MAIN EVENT !!

   "Does anyone have the recipe for minnie lee's spicy green beans?"
   Granny Sue Answered:
   "I don't know the Minnie Lee recipe, but here''s one suggestion":

   "Mix together soy sauce, rice vinegar, honey, sesame oil, olive oil, and chili flakes. Fill a frying pan 2/3rds of the way with water. Bring water to a boil and add beans and salt. Cover and cook, stirring once, until beans are bright green and still sorta crunchy, 8 or 9 minutes. Drain and rinse beans in cold water. Stir soy sauce mixture and add to pan. Bring to a boil. Add the beans and cook through. Garnish with sesame seeds."

(Source: Yedda.com)
I'll let you know how they turn out another time, but I'm headed back down... to the kitchen.

6/17 - This came in from a fan of this blog, thanks Keith & Rob.  If this works, someone liberated the secret recipe! Unbelievable.

MINNIE'S BEANS (from "keywesmoke")
*Sautee chopped onions and sliced/diced red & green peppers, set a side (I add a little garlic)
*Clean & dry some fresh green beans
*Pour about 1/4" oil into pan (I use olive) and heat. Add green beans and stir fry them (I watch for them to change to that nice bright green color and are still crunchy)
*Add onions and peppers back in, add crumbled cooked bacon
*Stir in House of Tsang Szechuan Spicy Stir Fry Sauce, enough to coat. Sautee covered a few minutes.
I use the regular House of Tsang Szechuan Stir Fry sauce and mix in a little bit of the spicy one with it. I imagine whatever similar product would be just as good.
[End recipe]
I added poppy seeds at the end, and probably some of those insanely hot "chile arbol" spicy dried red death peppers.  Once you are done stir-frying, they need to be broiled until crunchy.

"Cracker Tuners" by Cagey

Assignment 1 (easy):  Find a way to combine all ingredients provided to create delicious bachelor hors d' oeuvers.  This epiphany was realized by Cagey at 12:04 a.m., Sunday, May 16th.

Why did I buy these?

I have some Bumblebee brand "fancy" smoked clams in the pantry. 

Clam chowder from scratch?  Kind of doubt it. 

Clam dip?  Could be likely, but would that be, "like," a spinach, artichoke, black olive and clam dip?

I remember what I'm doing with the rest of the crab in the freezer; I was merrily getting to the bottom of the container making crab melts along the way.  Don't remember the original intended purpose of that either, but it was rare, and it was impressive.

If anybody has a clue on what I was preparing to make with any of these, I wish they would please let me know.  I can never remember. 

One consumer's observation

I was looking at a bunch of deep discount bachelor meals today (Lean Cuisine, etc.) and then I saw "Hungry Man" in the cooler - the slogan "It's good to be full." Then I got kind of disgusted with all the Lean Cuisines I had thrown in the cart.

Cagey's "Country Boy" Vegetable Chowder

Comrades, we're taking a break from current events, pop culture and the humanities tonight to talk about what's on the bachelor stove. Specifically, today we're talking about what should be coming out of your kitchen. Are you warming up things? Do you like your cooking to be subtle yet powerful?

Have you heard the story of stone soup? It's a rock, and water.

The twist essentially - is the verisimilitude of ingredients. Everyone ends up amazed how fantastic stone soup can be once you plop in some schtuff. I believe the lesson was on individual contributions, but today it'd probably be diversity. Nevertheless, bachelor cooking is swell and I have chosen to share one of my best recipes. You will need:

- Can, cream of celery soup
- Milk (1 canful required)
Cook the soup normally. Separately, bring a half-filled pot of water to a boil. Add:
- 10+ baby carrots
- 4+ new poatoes
- 1/2 onion, chopped
- 1/4+ green pepper
This alone suffices heartily. Back to dragging logs up mountainsides.
Optional:
- 4 slices fresh prosciutto (strongly recommended)
- 1/2 handful mushrooms
- Old Bay seasoning, a few shakes
- 1 unit of garlic
- Rachel Ray
Voila! Voici vous avez un dejeuner magnifique! Eat it right from the stove with a big ladle.